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Kollektivet: Party-Pooper-Swedes

These Swedes hare fed up with the stereotype of Swedes being a bunch of Party-crazed people with metro-sexual haircuts! They are demonstratively Party-Pooping to crush this stereotype!
They are the Party-Pooper-Swedes!

Jakob: “We are not Party-Swedes.”

Fridtjof/Kalle: “We are NOT Party-Swedes!”

Jakob: “We are Party-pooper-Swedes!”

              “What does it mean to poop, Kalle?”

Fridtjof/Kalle: “To create a bad ambiance!”

Jakob: “Yes.”

Fridtjof/Kalle: “What the hell are you guys listening to?”

People: “No!”

Fridtjof/Kalle: “There, much better!”

                         “Wanna’ hear what kinds of movies I’ve seen? Madagascar, Ice Age, James Bond….”

Seb: “Who the fuck is going to clean this up? Is it Me?!”

Fridtjof/Kalle: “….Twilight, Twilight 2, Twilight 3 is crap, Twilight 2 is good.”

Kevin: “I’m keepin’ sober today, don’t need alcohol to feel good at a party.”

Jakob: “Hi there, I don’t know what y’all think, but I’m against a woman’s right to choose.”

Sen: “Oh well, this looks like a complete and utter hell.”

Jakob: “I’m against a woman’s right to choose, and I’m against gay marital-rights.”

Fridtjof/Kalle: “….Ehm…Forest Gump!”

Seb: “You might want to finish that? Yes? Drink! Drink! Drink!”

Jakob: “I am all for the traditional marriage between a man and a woman.”

Seb: “Drink! Drink! Drink! Stuff it in the bag. Thank you so very much!”

Girl: “Hey, isn’t it about time to head out on the town?”

Kevin: “Head out on the town? Lame! That’s really lame!”

Swedes: “Yes, really lame!”

Jakob: “Is it possible to “poop” out on the town?”
              “Yes it is possible.”

                                                              -out on the town-

Kevin: “I just think the Oslo nightlife is so lame,
             Stockholm is just like so much more, so much more, like fresh!”

Jakob: “Are you aware of what alcohol does to your body?”

Seb: “Anybody want coffee or water? Much better!”

Jakob: “You’ll get dizzy, and you’ll feel like crap in the morning,
              and if you get a girl home, you won’t be able to get it up,
              here, let me help you!”

Seb: “Coffee? So you’ll spark up and wake up some. Coffee? Coffee? Coffee? Coffee? Coffee?”

Fridtjof/Kalle: “Watch me now.”
                          “I have to use the bathroom. I have to use the bathroom. Excuse me! Sorry!”
                          “That was nice.”

Jakob: “What is the number one rule when you’re a party-pooper?”

Swedes: “Never go home!”

Guy: “Wanna’ come home with me?”

Kevin: “It’s after-party time!”

                                                               -back at the house-

Jakob: “Are you going to post this on YouTube?”

Seb: “Yes.”

Jakob: “The Police are on their way!”

Fridtjof/Kalle: “Hm.”

Fridtjof/Kalle: “Now, nobody can accuse us of being Party-Swedes!”

Jakob: “Word!”

Kevin: “Poop!”

Kollektivet: The Tørdis Man-Help

Recap: For any man afraid to walk home alone in the dark, any boy too scared to fight back the bullies, and any guy with a problem getting it up, there is a solution; TØRDIS!! 

Tørdis:

Are you a man? Are you afraid? Are you sick and tired of the ladies getting all the help in the cities?

Call Tørdis Man-Help!

One of services that I provide, is carrying you home, so your feminine ass won’t get raped!

Tørdis: "Hop on my back! And I’ll carry you home!"

Man: "No…"

Tørdis: "There’s plenty of cock-hungry rapist-bitches out there,
            who wants to pluck you like a little blueberry from a delicate bush!"

           "Hop on my back!"

I also offer Conflict-Solving, for sissies who’s too chicken to fight!

Mean Kid: "Where the hell is your phone?!"

Tørdis: "Leave girly-Pelle alone!"

Mean Kid: "What, is that your mommy?"

Tørdis: laughs "Silly boy!" laughs evil laugh

              "Oh really?! Who’s mother am I, I took your nose, who’s your mommy?!"

Mean Kid: "You’re my mommy!"

Tørdis: "Who’s your mommy?!"

Mean Kid: "You are!"

Tørdis: "Did mommy take your nose?" laughs diabolical laugh

In addition to that, we also offer Erectile-Emergency Help!

Girl: You can’t get it up?

Tørdis: "I’ll get it up!"

             "Get a boner!!!"

So if you have a slightly low testosterone-level and therefore has the guts to ask for help,
call 942-not-a-real-man, or just scream TØRDIS! And I’ll come!

Kollektivet: The Wedding from Hell

Trygve has been invited to an old childhood-friend's wedding. He finds the experience less than enjoyable. Will it ever EVER end?

               

                          at the office
Boss: "OK then, Monday is yet again upon us."

            "Hi, hi, So does anybody has anything to
             share from the weekend?"
            "Anybody experienced anything?"
            "Trygve, you went to that wedding, right?"

Trygve: "Yes."

Boss: "Maybe want to tell us a little bit about that?"

Trygve: "As I mentioned before the weekend,
              it was the wedding of an old friend of mine,
              a close friend that I haven’t seen in years."

                "..Ehm, so you know... I had to go."

                                  "To be quite frank;
                                    it was fucking lame."

                                                            at wedding

 Trygve: "The nuptials were OK, until all of a sudden, when people started contributing."

Priest: “The Bride’s good friend Rita is now going to sing us a song.”

Rita: “I don’t like singing in public, but since the family asked;
           since every one of them came to me individually and asked, I said yes.”

Trygve: "That was OK, but in addition to that, the bride and groom had also planned something “fun”"

Priest: “Remix!”

Trygve: "Fair enough, it’s OK for the bride and groom to dance and jump their way down the isle to music,
              but for everyone else to have to participate; that’s not cool. That’s just cruel."

                                                             at reception 

Trygve: "You know the evening is going to be terrible when you have to sit at a table with two kids,
               an eighty year old lady and a woman that has “lonely and desperate” stamped across her  
               forehead."

Single-gal: “ Are you single, because I’m single and I….”

Information-guy: Yes, howdy’, just some information

Old lady: “Speak up please!”

Man: "Some information."

Old Lady: “I can’t hear you!” “Can you hear what he is saying? I can’t hear a thing of what he is saying!”

Trygve: "Argh, I thought that alcohol would be the only thing that would be able to save me now.

Information-guy: “We will not be serving alcohol today, according to the wishes of the bride and groom.
                              "Unfortunately."”

Trygve: "From that point on, it was a complete and utter hell."

              "It started with the toast by the father of the bride."

Father: "I think we can all agree that this is possibly the most beautiful bride ever."

              "I would marry her myself, but that’s not allowed."

Groom: "No, that’s Not allowed."

Old lady: “Who are you?”

Trygve: "My name is Trygve."

Old lady: “What was that?”

Trygve: "Trygve, and old childhood friend of the groom.

Old lady: "You have to talk louder!"

Trygve: "And then the groom’s toast was a complete train-wreck."

Groom: "You know how I’ve always had a hard time expressing myself through words,
                so I’m going to express myself  through a song."
                Sings DDE-song; "I’m driving E6, straight there, someone might be lying there in her arms now."
                "And that would be me."

Father: "And that would be me."

Groom: "No, that would be me. That’s not right."

Trygve: "And of course, let’s not forget all those “fun” traditions."

People: "Up on the chairs! Yeees!"

Trygve: "And the underlying family traumas."

Mother of the bride: "Of course, it’s lovely with marriage and all that that entails,
                                     but your father and I got divorced so, yes, it can go both ways,
                                     one shouldn’t necessarily get their hopes up all the time,
                                     just remember to keep those on a little bit of a low too."

Trygve: "And the girlfriends that were trying to be a little “Crazy”"

Girlfriends singing: "Do you remember, do you remember, that time you got drunk?
                                 Do you remember, do you remember, that everything went into scrambles? 
                                 Haha, haha...."
Single-gal: "Sorry ruth, we just had to!"

                   "Come on, join!"

Trygve: "It just never ceased to go on."

Irony guy: "Now that your getting married Lasse, I just have to point out what a self-ironic guy you are"

Interrupt-guy: "I just have to interrupt! Because I remember that time I poured water down your pants,    
                         and you did not laugh!" everyone laughs

Interrupt-guy 2: "Let me interrupt the interruption!" everyone laughs

Rita: "I hate to have to hog the spotlight, but there are several, no rather are a great many people here that
          have asked me if I can sing the song I sang in the church one more time." sings

Information-guy: "Everybody; And we give thanks for this food, Oh my God how lovely it was with the
                               alcohol-free wine."

Single-gal: "One more time! One more time!"

Father: "And one for daddy! One for daddy!" 

Single-gal: "One more time! One more time! By all means!"

Trygve: "That’s quite enough."

Groom: "Oh my, someone’s sulky."

Bride: "He’s your friend."

Rita and man sings song yet again 

Trygve: "It was, by all accounts, the worst day of my entire life."

              "The worst day in my life, but I’d imagine it was the best day in Lasse and Ruth’s lives."

                                                at knitting-meeting

Lady: "Well the, it’s morning-meeting. And since it’s the morning-meeting,
            let’s have a little chat about Ruth, who got married this weekend! Yes!" laughs

            "How was it? Do tell!"

Bride: "The nuptials were beautiful, everybody was so happy,
             with the exception of a friend of my husbands."

Lady: What happened?

Bride: "No he was irritated and sulky, and I just feel it weighed down on the entire ambiance."

Lady: "Don’t you think about that! Don’t you think about that! Don’t you get upset about that!
            Thinking that that ruined your wedding. Don’t do that! Just think of all those fabulous gifts!
            Which there was an abundance of!"

Bride: Yes, yes.

Soon to come

A Roux Harbour Channel Original!

Kollektivet: Jacket-Time

Jakob has had enough of being self-conscious about his body, and being peer-pressured into hellish sunbathing, time for jacket-time!

               

                            -Lyrics-

The summer, it is over, autumn is closing in.
People are cold and they are blue
but I find comfort in the fact that I no longer have to stress,
no more of being uncomfortable,
showing off a pasty white, fat body that easily gets sun-eczema.

I have been sweaty, it hasn’t been easy, when you’re so damn self-conscious about those extra pounds of fat.


But the summer fades away, now comes cold, sleet and storm.
It’s my favourite time of year!
Cause now it’s jacket-season!
Wrap myself into a jacket-cocoon.
Hiding bulges, evening out the fat.
Put my jacket on and go far away! To a place where I feel safe,
where I can finally breathe again.
A place where you and I are equals.
Who says I can’t be hiding a six-pack, when I’m wearing a coat?

Friend: "Jakob, aren’t you going to take something off? Damn that looks warm."

No thank you, that time has passed.
It’s jacket-time, time for jacket, jacket-you, jacket-we.
I don’t have time to waste jacket-time on stuff like that.
It takes the denial now, and the body in the long run.

Do you feel fat, put your jacket on!
Do you feel silly, put your jacket on!
Does your fat jiggle uncontrollably? Is your sweater too tight?
Got a little bit man-boob going on? Put your jacket on!

But what do I do when I get indoors?
I lie about having a cold.
Have to keep my jacket on, hat, mittens, scarf on, covers, blanket
pillows of down, put on more jackets, keep myself snug
a duvet, sunglasses, a cap with flaps
I wrap myself in, I jacket myself in, I go into hibernation, into hibernation I go
Don’t wake me when spring comes!

Kollektivet: Second Degree Euthanasia

Lars-Jahn Svendsen is on a crusade to help the suffering, by mercifully killing them.
But by what motive is he selecting the lucky few who gets his unique help?

Narrator:
According to Norwegian law; punishable by law to help dying people end their lives. No matter what the patients themselves want.
On both sides of this controversy, we find strong voices. One of these strong voices is Lars-Jahn Svendsen.






Lars-Jahn:
One of my closest relatives, Ronny, had a serious decease for a number of years. And when I visited him at the hospital, I could see this incredible wish for death to come.
I sat on his oxygen-tube, accidentally. And he was then free from his anguished hell, he was 14 years old.

Narrator:
Based on this experience, and a loophole in the law, Lars-Jahn has come up with his own business idea.

Lars-Jahn:
So long as it is an accident, and you only indirectly kill somebody, it is not punishable by law
.
In this room lies Marite Svendsen, she has had incurable cancer going on two years now. It’s high time to relieve her of her pain.
She now rests in peace.

                                            Marite Svendsen
                                               1945-2012

Narrator:
We followed Lars-Jahn over a period of one year, where he was involved in a number of accidental merciful killings.
                                              Anders Svendsen
                                                   1957-2012

                                               Laila Svendsen
                                                 1950-2012

Lars-Jahn:
"Excuse me, could you just hold this for me for a little while?"

                                             Pernille Svendsen
                                                 1975-2012

Narrator:
It isn’t until we are finishing up in the final cut, that we realize all the patients are named Svendsen. The same last name as Lars-Jahn himself.

Lars-Jahn:
This is Eigil Svendsen, he is 14 years old, and has contracted lung-inflammation on both sides. Horrible pain all the time, so it’s high time to time to relieve him of his pain.

Camera-man:
Relieve him of his pain? But, it isn’t a deadly decease. He’ll be just fine in a little while.

Lars-Jahn:
Oh, no,no,no,no, there is no such guarantee. Breath in. Him having lung-inflammation on both sides, in both his lungs! You know he’s had it rough, just lost his mother very recently, in a very unfortunate treadmill-accident, having fallen on a pair of scissors.  Of course that’s hard on the young boy.

Now it’s just a matter of time, the accident will soon be upon us. And Eigil will never have to suffer again.

That’s that.

                                             Eigil Svendsen
                                                1998-2012

Lars-Jahn:
My crusade is finally over and I can retreat.

Camera-man:
Retreat?

Lars-Jahn:
Yes, to the Svendsen Family-cabin, which suddenly  stands there empty after my entire family perished under extremely unfortunate circumstances.
Not going to be quite the same at the cabin, without them.

Kind of...